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These poems have been written for persons or families
who have lost kitties to Chronic Renal Failure or other disease.

Poem for Orrie (1995 - Sept. 3, 2009)

Paw-Touch, Renewing Your Connection to Me

by Judith Florian

Your tiny mew in the driveway heard
Sounding almost like a weak small bird
Except for clue of the late-night clock
To hear a kitten then was such a shock!

Two-flights down, with flashlight in hand
I searched the ground in an arc-shaped span
Until I spotted you scampering under a bush
Forcing my quick-snatch of you by your tush!

For a moment, I wondered what I should do
Secret from thought, my heart already knew
I would take you in, and let my love grow
Though in my apartment, pets were no-nos.

I vowed to keep you, tuck you away
So my landlord would never have a say
"Be quiet; be good," I'd often remind
Kept you hidden so there'd be no sign.

We'd get to know each other over time
We decided I was yours; you were mine;
From playing to napping, much to do
Together, forever, we already knew.

Your long-pink protruding tongue sits
Sticking out between teeth and lips
As if a snake whose tongue seeks out
Delicate odors I know nothing about.

I touch it, surprised at how so rough
Admire the skills with which you buff
Every hair carefully one direction laid 
I'd mess it again, our game now played.

You'd quickly re-set about your task
While in streams of sunlight to bask
Until your fur would wetly gleam --
The handsomest cat I had ever seen.

I'd touch your Oreo-spot on your chest
You'd look; I'd touch your nose in jest!
Then I'd tousle your head just so
You'd use your paws to make me let go.

I'd lightly roll and rub an ear
Amazed at all that you could hear
At night, whispered secrets told
Fears and hopes yet to unfold.

Your motored-purr assuring me
Bringing angels for me to see
And when another day had passed
Cares upon purrs again to cast.

Sitting behind me on my desk chair
I'd scold you for climbing there
I had only wanted to finish my work
The very thing you wished I'd shirk.

We'd play the same game every time
Scooching forward, with you behind
I'd reach around to scratch an ear
You happily cuddled against my rear.

Your happiest times spent at play
Chasing the "Da-Bird" without delay;
Fascinated by all spiders and bugs
Even following behind a slimy slug.

Flights of flies engrossed you most
Capturing ones of which you'd boast
A game of "Buggy!" on ceiling ensued
But fake bugs could never fool you.

You endured the usual feline-ails
Colds and fleas came without fail
No matter how I tried so to protect;
All your needs I would never neglect.

You endured that one bad-man-vet
Horrid treatment I'd never forget!
Yet, you forgave that I didn't know
Endured indignities you didn't show.

Then, for years together peaceful times
When you'd chase, roll, jump, climb
Finding mischief when there was none
Between naps, always looking for fun.

There were those things only you knew
Secrets about me, of things I'd do
From me picking my teeth or my nose
To belly-button lint and my stinky toes.

From brushing teeth to brushing hair
You always jumped to be right there!
You were enveloped by my long tresses;
You loved hiding under my long dresses.

I'd never laughed so much during sex
When I'd see you there as if to inspect!
You never outgrew voyeuristic confusion
And I never outgrew finding you amusing!

And people say cats can't learn like dogs
But cat-lovers know that claim to be wrong -
You knew: 'up', 'stay', 'wait', 'lay', 'potty',
'Come', 'food', 'treat', 'later', 'Come to Mommy'-

Friends marveled you responded to '(move) back'-
Quick memory and intellect you never lacked--
You knew the difference between 'lay' and 'down'
Though 'lay down' caused quite a confused frown!

You knew your name--well...more than one... 
Oreo, Orrie, 'Orr, you answered my summons;
Then 'Bratty' in teenage years suited you more
'Old Man' in late life--you were forever adored.

The only thing you did was not so smart--
Although you did it from your loving heart--
Was sitting patiently there while I sang
Respectfully listening to that awful clang!

Be patient here while I still reminisce
You purred much, but you rarely hissed
Ever-protective of our home and of me--
Your shriek at cat-strangers was beastly!

When winds blew you watched leaves dance
Floating snowflakes held you entranced.
You'd cuddle closer as the wind blew cold
Curling yourself within my arms to hold.

I remember the day your feet touched snow
When pawprints followed wherever you'd go
You walked like a ballerina on your toes
Skid across ice where it nightly froze.

Then Spring and Summer came 'round again
Swallows and bluejays were your daily Zen.
Your chattering always to alert me of nests
An indoor Kitty, your hunting skills the best. 


Later in life, your anxiety arose when alone
You worried so much when I was not at home
Waiting anxiously at the door like a guard
Watching for my return was so very hard.

Your worried about me, everyone could tell
If I slept-in, you'd come, my breath to smell
Then, cry and pace until you had awoken me
An urgent cry, "Mom, get up! I need you badly!"

You 'just knew' if I was down or got sick
Around my whole face you'd sniff and lick
I'd open my eyes to tickling and rough fur
In the darkness your black body just a blur.

When you knew I wouldn't return to sleep
Fear and anxiety lessened, away you'd leap
Returning to the kitchen, where YOU'D nap--
Such maddening behavior, I thought I'd snap!

But no one else understood you as I did
Knew you well from tail to your eyelids;
Knew when you felt lonely, bored, or sad
Knew what excited you and made you glad.

We shared a bond from infant to older years
Through silence, happiness, and our tears
From health to illness of your body and mine
Together we shared a long, full lifeline.



Slowly, I saw aging overrun your life
Years bring us both pain and strife
Both of us living against life's ills
Forging ahead with hope and our wills.

You showed acceptance, bravery, defiance
Grace, forgiveness, and self-reliance
Gentleness, fortitude, and a great trust--
How mutual loving and caring was a must.

You showed patience as my body slowed
When I was in pain, you would just know
Instead of making me bend, you came to me
Climbed to my bed, where we both could be.

We spent many days with you beside me here
Sometimes you'd stand, stretch, then disappear
To visit food, water, the box, then to return
Floor to box to bed and to me, routine learned.

After so many years with mostly good health 
Illness crept in with a dark, gaining stealth
From hairballs, an upset tummy took great hold
Lapping more and more water from your big bowl.

Weighing less than I'd ever noticed before
I hoped a doctor to health he might restore
After testing and thought, CRF he declared!
For you to be so sick, I was not prepared.

I looked in your eyes, cataract-dimmed sight
Hoped we both had enough will-power to fight
Then took hold of the diagnosis with thought
For the best treatments was what I sought!

Pills for your heart, tummy, and new food
But against much of this you, daily, argued
I couldn't blame you, we both liked routine
We'd do treatments, with much loving between.

Your Auntie Jane had to take most of it on
To thus shirk my duties, I felt so wrong!
But I couldn't do for the needs you had--
My body's limits made me angry and sad.

I wished I could hold and soothe you more
I prayed Jane's ministering wasn't a chore;
I hoped you knew I would do--if I could--
I never stopped feeling she did as I should.

Guilt often accompanies the ills of years
Wishes become larger through nightly tears
Hopes become stronger that a miracle comes
Prayers against ill fates we wouldn't succumb. 

Illness then brings it's own daily tasks
We give and give to illness all that it asks
Ever-feeling we're fighting an un-winnable war
As life as we knew it becomes more bizarre.

What in health we believed we never would do
May be today's solution to see us through
We give to illness inches; it takes miles
While our bodies and minds the illness defiles.

So quickly, it seemed you went downhill
Treatments demanding ever more skill
Sub-Q fluids and new eating techniques
Learning as we go, each and every week.

Illness demands learning, so many know
As new facets give us their darkly show
Requiring us to think fast! learn more!
But whether it's "right", never assured.

Second-guessing, doubts take a toll
As illness pulls us into its sinkhole
As we, the patient or friend still try
To just keep fighting to stay alive.

'Good days' rejoice against those bad
Yet behind it all, still always sad
To see the changes that illness brings
Our former lives gone--without warning.

Your coat became dull, very unkempt,
Wasting slowly, over you I so wept
Every bone felt pointed under hand
I prayed for health at my command!

I reach my hand around your head
Wiping water before it hits my bed
I lift your chin, hold your face
Aging cataract eyes full of grace.

Your grateful stare reaches my heart
I cannot imagine the day we're apart
I don't want to face your coming death
I wish I could give you my last breath.

With gusto, you again dig into the food
But--your interest ends much too soon
With only a few bites you are off again
And I pray you'll be with us later then.

Every time I seek where you sleep tonight
I watch for your breathing, with fright
Willing air from my lungs off to yours
Seeing you move, my heart again soars!

"Orrie? Come on, baby," I whisper soft
Then pick you up, lift you gently aloft
Fearing I might hurt you without intent
"Dear God!" I rail, "Illness I resent!"

I'm powerless under the Universe's force
That slips in, taking life without remorse
Here's my "Old Man", he never deserved this!
In the Universe, something's surely amiss!


I carry you back to my bed, to save your strength
I swear I'll carry you through all Life's length!
My unrestrained love I so hope you will feel
Even though I fail and can't make your body heal.

Failure! Such failings for my tiny friend
Even my heartbeat, to you I would ever lend!
I tell you often, "I wish your illness we'd avoid,"
Advancing demons never loved what they destroyed.

I repeatedly worry whether you're in pain
And doubt myself, again and again and again;
Worse, I doubt God's love in life's dark side
For this horrid attack on you I cannot abide.

And so I go, from eager hope to ugly despair
Every day rejoice to still find you there!
I worry though about your stamina and heart
And can't bear to think we'll soon be apart!


Gingerly, I again wipe your face, nose
Food clings right near whiskers' growth
I wipe gently again for my sweet old man
I know you would do it yourself if you can.

You look into my face, such love, gratitude
And in response, I talk and so softly coo
Saying, "It will be okay" but as much for me
From this cruel end I wish we both could flee!

There's so much I will miss of your charms
Like when you'd paw-touch gently on my arm 
And I'd stop, give you love and some pets
Never wanting, "I'm busy," to be a regret.

So more and more, we did "Type-Paw-Touch"
I'd type three words, then give love much
And if I timed it wrong, you pawed on cue
Because our connection you had to renew.

I wonder, sometimes now, if you could predict
How much deep sorrow your death would inflict
And if your paw-touching was for that reason
That you could see the passing of your season?

I wondered, too, if angels would sing sweet,
If at your death, they'd come to you to meet?
To whisk you away to that peaceful long rest
And if you felt your life had been blessed?


Then that night you got so ill
With the still air giving a chill
You reached a weak paw to my cheek
Gentle loving, my eyes to leak.

Although you couldn't then stand
For peeing, poo-ing needed a hand
Your basic needs you can't disguise
But you refused to pee where you lie.

Life's rules, grace, and etiquette
Even a dying cat cannot ever forget!
You could only give a plaintive mew
My heart heavy; nothing I could do.

I held your face in my hand so dear
Only wishing I could keep you here.
But your body had endured enough toll
Until it finally let go of your Soul,
And when you took your most final breath,
I could only hold your Spirit as I wept.

I prayed and wished that you had been spared.
I can barely breathe, with such great despair!
As I type now, I still feel your paw-touch on me
As if to give comfort while your death I grieve.

Copyright Judith Florian, August 19, 2009 for her cat Orrie, who was misdiagnosed with "Mild Chronic Renal Failure".  Instead, he likely had a G.I. Neoplasm.

Info:

Orrie:  Birth Date Unknown - Died Thursday, Sept. 3, 2009
Age: Between 17-18 years

On Monday, Aug 31, 2009, I had told Orrie it was "okay" if he couldn't "stay" before sending him to vet for re-check.

Rapid Decline: Tuesday, Sept. 2, 2009 in middle of night, to vet again in the morning.

Misdiagnosed -- per same vet: "probably never really had CRF".

"Negative Feline Leukemia" - "probably not generalized leukemia", per same vet who had first suggested generalized leukemia.


Probable cause of death (after sending him HOME again with nothing but a pill): GI Lympoma with probable internal bleed
Please read Gastrointestinal_Lymphoma_in_Cats 

Probable conditions contributing to death: 
1. Profound, rapid dehydration, despite regular home SubQs, related to anemia/low blood volume (hypovolemic shock); they couldn't fine a vein to even try IVs although they saw him Monday (before Tuesday's crash), Wednesday, and again on Thursday;
2. Likely continuous internal bleeding due to probable GI lymphoma.

Please no private e-mails today; I'm just too drained and sad (and my mailbox already too full). Please use the List instead.

More angry and heartbroken than I can bear.

The universe was not as gentle as I had hoped. The vet was not as intelligent as I had once believed.

Thank-you,

Judy, for Orrie

Poems may not be copied except by the person for whom the poem was written.

It is important to note that IBD and GI Lymphoma are easily missed because symptoms are often blamed on other diagnoses (false guesses), for examples: bad breath, vomiting and poor appetite (hair balls; upset stomach; anxiety; depression; "old age"); diarrhea (parasites, anxiety); loose-"pudding" stools ("old age", side effect of antibiotic treatment, impacted anal glands in males), etc.  Other symptoms overlap other conditions, for example:  Poor coat condition (Hyperthyroidism or CRF); Weight loss (Diabetes, Hyperthyroidism, or CRF), etc.  Some specific symptoms may lead one to think of certain diagnoses, even when other symptoms point in other directions (increased urine production and altered drinking habits with increased thirst resulting from increased urine production (Diabetes, CRF).  Lymphomas can cause internal bleeding, resulting in anemia with signs and symptoms of lethargy, pale gums, 
Gingivitis is always a concern in mature to senior cats, especially in ones not eating well (Thyroid disorders, CRF, Diabetes, Infection, Immuno-compromised, Feline Leukemia, etc.)  Projectile vomiting, constipation, stool abnormality (loose, "pudding", or diarrhea), and suspected nausea are not diseases and so, can get quickly associated with a large number of potential diagnoses.


Additional Reading:

"The symptoms correspond closely to the location of the lymphoma. Cats with the alimentary form of lymphoma often present with weight loss, rough hair coat, loss of appetite, vomiting and diarrhea. Cats with the mediastinal form often have respiratory distress and fluid in the lung cavity. If lymphoma develops in the kidney, the cat may have increased water consumption and increased urination. If the lymphoma is located in the nose, the cat may have discharge from the nose and facial swelling. Cats who are also infected with FeLV often present with pale mucous membranes due to anemia."
...
"Feline lymphoma is a fairly common cancer of cats. In the past it was closely linked to infection with FeLV but, with a decrease in the incidence of feline leukemia, more cats with lymphoma are FeLV negative. Feline lymphoma can strike a variety of different organs but always involves a proliferation of lymphoid cells. About 70% of infected cats respond favorably to chemotherapy treatment and a fair number can see an increased life span of two years or more. Because of the close link to infection with FeLV and FIV, one of the best things owners can do to reduce the risk of their cats developing lymphoma is to protect them against infection with FeLV and FIV. Eliminating exposure to other cats is the best preventative. If your cat is exposed to other cats (e.g.; goes outside, to cat shows, etc.) consider FeLV vaccination."  

From http://www.peteducation.com/article.cfm?c=1+1376&aid=219

http://felinelymphoma.org/amanda.html

http://www.marvistavet.com/html/feline_lymphoma.html

Veterinary Journal Article 1

http://www.vin.com/VINDBPub/SearchPB/Proceedings/PR05000/PR00427.htm

Veterinary Continuing Education PDF

http://www.irishveterinaryjournal.com/Links/PDFs/CE-Small/CESA_August_2008.pdf

Diagnosis of Renal Lymphoma by Percutaneous Image Guided Biopsy: Experience With 11 Cases The Journal of Urology, Volume 176, Issue 5, Pages 1952-1956
S. Hunter, A. Samir, B. Eisner, D. Gervais, M. Maher, P. Hahn, F. McGovern, P. Mueller

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